'People are always asking, who is the real Tom Cruise? Newsflash buddy – it's me.'
'It's a sad day when you meet a child, who you think is a burns victim, and they say 'I've made myself look like you Annie.'
'I could taste weird things – Bacardi breezers, lager, white wine, my leg, my kidney, my liver, a curry. And lots and lots of fat.'
'I thought it would be like doing Buzzcocks where they give you all the answers. So I was expecting to be told where to stand, to be given lube, and a few lines to say. But there was none of that. I didn't even meet the rapists till we went on air... '
'It's very hard to tell when she's pleased about anything really, our Vicky. She was annoyed about something else at the time – she thought Sienna Miller had the same shoes as her.'
'Is it mad, to care about the security of your country? Is it mad to put more money into public services than any previous government? Is it mad to grab a guy by the balls and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until he cries out in pain? If that's mad then, guilty as charged, I'm mad too.'
'That's right, crucify me. I put Africa back on the fucking map. The fucking right way up and all.'
'Terror was the enemy. And so terrified people had to be dealt with. Which is why we banned people from being terrified.'
'We introduced free internet, but we just get tramps in here fiddling with themselves. I wouldn't mind if they drank my coffee, but they drink Dentyl mouthwash.'
'We had that big party in Trafalgar Square to celebrate the fact that we'd won the war on terror, and unfortunately there was a bomb and a lot of people were killed.'
'His eyes were pleading for me to help him. So I swung off his legs during the weather report. Luckily as Everton Fox said "So what are you up to this weekend Natasha?" I heard Dermot's neck break...'
'I'd heard that human flesh tasted similar to chicken – so I cut off my toe and fried it. Jules loved it... so we teamed up with some scientists and it all kicked off...'
'Young people are the future. Old people are the past. Middle-aged people are the present. Children are like smaller versions of adults. And babies are smaller versions of children.'
'I lost everything... They airbrushed me out of the Olympics Charity Video – it was ridiculous, Tessa Jowell originally had her arm round me but in the end it looked like she just had really bad arthritis...'
'I did an awful lot of things to court popularity. I learnt to breakdance, I rapped the five pledges from our manifesto, I went to the premier of Ice Age 3 in a mammoth costume. I sang with McFly...'
'I signed a lot more autographs and snogged a lot more lasses back then. Whereas now, they go, 'Hiya, can you introduce us to Dec.' And I can't because he's in Hollywood, or doing something for the UN.' - Anthony McPartlin
'Jack Straw. Is that gay slang?'
'I went to a very dark place after that. Crinkley Bottom. You know, the funpark. I went to the one in Morecambe I set up back in the early 90s. It was disused by then, the Blobbycoaster was clogged up with fox shit and the NTV-simulator was crammed with dead pigeons...'